


A Little Bit Closer

by walkalittleline



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, Modern AU, One Night Stand, minor fjolly, minor widomauk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-20 09:15:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18989710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkalittleline/pseuds/walkalittleline
Summary: It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy evenings out drinking with his friends. On the contrary, he welcomes the temporary respite from his own ceaseless thoughts of studying and grading papers and planning lessons and everything else he’s constantly fretting over, has no problem getting in a few drinks to let the warm haze of alcohol loosen his limbs and unwind his brain. He doesn’t, however, find much enjoyment in the too-loud music and crowded spaces of the clubs that Beau and Molly so often pick for them to frequent when they make these jaunts at the start of the weekend.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy evenings out drinking with his friends. On the contrary, he welcomes the temporary respite from his own ceaseless thoughts of studying and grading papers and planning lessons and everything else he’s constantly fretting over, has no problem getting in a few drinks to let the warm haze of alcohol loosen his limbs and unwind his brain. He doesn’t, however, find much enjoyment in the too-loud music and crowded spaces of the clubs that Beau and Molly so often pick for them to frequent when they make these jaunts at the start of the weekend, much more preferring a quiet spot where he can sit and read while he slowly makes his way through his drink.

But those sort of places, Molly tells him, are terribly dull and, Beau declares, for losers only, so Caleb allows himself to be dragged again to a dimly lit bar crammed full of hot bodies that smell of sweat and cigarette smoke and, occasionally, vomit and takes his usual residence up at the end of the bar to sip his beer while the others dance under the flashing lights in the middle of the room. He watches the two of them and Nott with a fond smile, laughing quietly when Molly catches his eye and winks, putting an extra shimmy in his hips as he does before twirling Nott around smoothly and disappearing between the mess of bodies again.

Caleb turns back to his drink, glancing down into the half-empty glass of beer and swirling it around absently. He wonders mildly if Molly will be taking someone else home tonight or end up seeking Caleb for the shared warmth he so often looks for. They’ve been friends for awhile, though they’d only begun this casual falling into bed together a few months before after one memorable such night like this one where they’d ended up in the back of a cab together, tipsily making out and groping each other like teenagers all the way back to Caleb’s apartment, where Molly had promptly passed out on Caleb’s sofa before they’d done more than take their shoes off.

They’d ended up agreeing not to make a big deal of it, and when Molly had suggested they try a no strings attached sexual relationship for those times when Molly didn’t feel like going through the motions of finding a stranger at a bar and Caleb was in the mood, he’d accepted. Sex with Molly was fun and, best of all, uncomplicated. Molly had no desire for anything beyond the occasional hook up and Caleb was glad for not having to worry about it turning into something he was wholly unprepared for like he might with a stranger.

He’s still wondering if Molly would be up for coming home with him that evening—he’s getting that pent-up feeling that he can’t quite satisfy on his own, that he needs another warm body for—when the tiefling in question sidles up next to him and plops down into the stool to his left with a grin.

“You’re looking much too serious for someone two drinks in,” he says, leaning forward over the bar to gesture for the bartender to bring them fresh beers.

“That is just the way my face is,” Caleb retorts, draining the last gulp of his beer as Molly laughs.

“I know that look, darling,” he says, lowering his voice and giving Caleb a knowing grin. “That’s the look you get when you need a good fuck. You always look constipated when you’re horny.”

Caleb scowls at him.

“What?” Molly says innocently, laughing. “It’s true.”

“Thank you, I’ll remember that,” Caleb mumbles darkly.

“I’d offer to help,” Molly says, sighing as he turns in his seat and leans back against the bar. “But there’s a _very_ nice looking half-orc that I’m working on right now.” He waggles his fingers in a wave, grinning cheekily, and Caleb glances over his shoulder at the man in question, who gives Molly a confused look before turning back to the blue tiefling he’s sitting with. Molly chuckles. “Bless him. It’s always the Southern ones that think they’re straight.”

He swivels around again to look at Caleb apologetically. “So, I’m afraid I can’t tonight, dear, but I’m more than happy to find someone else to bear that cross in my stead.”

“You are really too kind,” Caleb says sarcastically. “I appreciate the offer but I’m fine.”

Molly snorts. “No, Caleb, you need to get _laid_ ,” he says, hands settling on Caleb’s shoulders and kneading firmly into the stiff muscles. Caleb stifles a groan when even this innocent touch sends a wave of arousal down his spine.

“See?” Molly says incredulously. “I mean, honestly, when was the last time you had sex with someone who wasn’t me?”

Caleb grimaces.

“Caleb,” Molly says, laughing. “If you keep this up, you’re going to have to make an honest woman out of me and I’m not sure I’m prepared for that commitment.”

Caleb groans and buries his face in his arms. The bartender sets down fresh beers in front of them and he quickly takes a long pull from his own.

Molly hums and peers around the bar curiously. “Anything in particular you’re in the mood for tonight? I can do some scoping, see if there’s anyone eyeing you up?”

“Fine,” Caleb sighs defeatedly, feeling a little pathetic at his own inability to get so much as a one-night stand in a crowded bar full of people flush with alcohol and hormones. He’s never even been in to this sort of thing before but the thought of going home and jerking off alone sounds even more pitiful than Molly helping him find someone to share his bed.

“I’ll be back,” Molly says, clapping him on the shoulder before scooping up his drink and weaving back through the crowd towards Beau and Nott.

Caleb sits nursing his beer for ten minutes before Molly returns, face flush with drink and exertion and grinning eagerly.

“Nine o’clock,” he mutters, jerking his head to the left and tilting his head back so Caleb can lean forward subtly and peer around him down the bar. There’s a firbolg sitting a few seats down, hands clasped around what looks to be a glass of water, smiling absently. He’s slouched slightly in his seat, his vibrant pink hair like a beacon in the dark room.

“He was looking at you,” Molly says, smirking when Caleb turns back to him. “He’s cute. Tall, too. You know what that means.” He nudges Caleb and winks suggestively.

“I don’t know,” Caleb says evasively, staring down into his beer.

Molly groans in frustration.

“You want me to talk to him?” he says. “Tell him how _wonderful_ and _smart_ you are?”

Caleb shrugs, glancing down the bar again and feeling his stomach swoop in surprise when the firbolg is looking back at him. His eyes widen slightly and he gives Caleb a small, shy smile, raising one hand from the bar in the shade of a wave, Caleb giving him a tight-lipped smile in return before looking back down at his drink.

“Alright, I’m going to talk to him,” Molly says decisively, sliding off his seat and striding towards the firbolg before Caleb can stop him.

Caleb sees the firbolg look up curiously as Molly approaches, hailing him as he takes the seat next to him, grinning brightly. Caleb looks away quickly when the firbolg glances his way at something Molly says, flushing hotly with embarrassment. He waits thirty seconds before sparing another look in their direction out of the corner of his eye, watching Molly laugh before leaning close and whispering something in the firbolg’s ear. Caleb watches his eyes find him down the bar, his expression going from one of polite interest to wide-eyed disbelief, his mouth falling open in what Caleb assumes is a gasp by the way his shoulders lift.

Caleb tears his eyes away from him again, clearing his throat and forcing himself to keep his head down, heart hammering anxiously in his throat. He straightens in his seat and pretends to busy himself with swirling his drink when he sees Molly making his way back down the bar towards him. He opens his mouth to speak but Molly is gripping him by the shoulders and hissing rapidly in his ear before he gets a chance.

“His name is Caduceus and I told him you couldn’t _wait_ to get his cock in your mouth, have fun, darling.”

He’s already five feet away before Caleb gets a chance to react, spinning in his seat and gaping after him, feeling the color drain from his face, his fingers tightening around his glass as he sees someone lower themselves into the seat next to him in his peripheral.

“It’s Caleb, yeah?”

Caleb turns, mortified, to the sound of the voice, low and unfairly alluring, feeling the color rush back to his face as he stares back the firbolg, who’s smiling warmly down at him. Molly was right, he’s _tall_. Even slumped in his seat the way he is, Caleb still has to look up to meet his gaze. His eyes are vibrant magenta, a neatly trimmed goatee over his chin and jaw, his features sharply defined from the line of his jaw to the high angle of his cheekbones.

“I didn’t say that,” Caleb blurts, ignoring the greeting.

“Huh?” the firbolg tilts his head curiously to the side, frowning.

“What my friend said,” Caleb clarifies, “I didn’t… say that.”

“Oh!” The firbolg laughs, shaking his head. “No, I didn’t think you did. Your friend seemed a little… forward in convincing me to come over here.”

Caleb groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t really want to know what else he said,” he says, glancing over his shoulder across the room where Molly is sitting at the table with the half-orc, chatting animatedly.

“All good, don’t worry,” the firbolg assures him, smiling, wide and warm and making something flutter in his stomach.

“Ah, well…”

“It _is_ Caleb, though, right?”

“Oh, um, yes, Caleb.” He’s not sure what to do with his hands. Is he supposed to shake his hand? He needs Molly, he’s useless at this sort of thing.

“Caduceus,” the firbolg says, holding out his hand and solving Caleb’s dilemma for him. His hand easily covers Caleb’s own and his mind immediately drifts to the thought of those hands roaming his bare skin, holding him down, curling inside him. God, Molly was right, he needs to get laid, he’s acting like a cat in heat.

“Nice to meet you,” Caleb says, forcing a stiff smile.

“You, too,” Caduceus replies with another broad smile. “Your friend said you’re a teacher?”

“Sort of,” Caleb says, frowning at Molly’s consistent inability to understand what he does for a living. “I am a graduate assistant at the college. I’m working on my PhD so it is helping me get some teaching experience.”

“Oh, wow,” Caduceus says, looking impressed. “You must be really smart. What are you studying?” 

“Molecular biology,” Caleb replies, relieved for the small talk to keep his mind from wandering. “I am hoping to go into research and eventually teaching.”

Caduceus laughs, shaking his head in what Caleb thinks is amazement. “Alright, so definitely way smarter than I am,” he says.

Caleb chuckles. “And what do you do?”

“I work at a daycare,” Caduceus replies. “Not nearly as impressive.”

“Mm, but we are both molding young minds,” Caleb says with a smile. He nods to the perspiring glass of water still clutched in Caduceus’ hands. “Is that why you don’t drink?”

“Hm? Oh, no, I just hate the taste of it,” Caduceus says, wrinkling his nose up. He tilts his head back to the crowd of people behind them. “I came with some of my coworkers but this isn’t really my thing, if I’m being honest. I prefer more… herbal methods of relaxation.”

“Oh, really?” Caleb says, eyeing him over with a faint grin. He wets his lips. “And are there any other vices you would claim?”

Caduceus frowns curiously for a moment before understanding crosses his features, eyebrows raising and lips parting. His eyes flick down to Caleb’s mouth and he clears his throat quietly.

“Maybe not yet,” he says, voice sending a shiver up Caleb’s spine, “but I could probably be persuaded to change that.”

“You know,” Caleb says, lowering his voice and shifting closer to him. “I might not have said what my friend told to earlier. But that does not mean I am opposed to the idea.” 

Caduceus exhales a quick breath through his lips and swallows. “Oh?” he breathes.

Caleb can see the flush across his cheeks even in the dim light. He feels bold from the beer and arousal, reaching under the bar to lay his hand on Caduceus’ knee, sliding it up his thigh slowly and watching his eyes go wide and glance around to make sure no one is looking at them. Caleb doesn’t really think he’d care even if they were.

“My apartment is only a ten minute drive from here,” Caleb murmurs, kneading his fingers into Caduceus’ inner thigh, pleased at the soft gasp and shudder it earns him. “Would you like to come back with me and see if we can work on those vices of yours?”

“Okay,” Caduceus says, nodding obediently.

Caleb feels a thrill of adrenaline as he gives Caduceus’ thigh a final squeeze before digging out his wallet and throwing a few bills onto the bar. He grabs Caduceus by the arm and tugs him off his stool towards the door, eyes sweeping the room for the others and landing on Molly, who’s watching him with a look of incredulous delight. He sees him elbow Beau hard, nodding towards Caleb when she gives him an affronted look. Her mouth falls open and she gapes at Caleb, who gives them both a frantic sort of look before turning his focus back to Caduceus as they step out of the bar into the warm night air.

He tries and fails to hail a passing cab, grateful when Caduceus steps to the curb to wave one down easily. Caleb’s struck by how tall he actually is now that they’re standing. Caleb isn’t exactly short himself, but the top of his head barely comes to Caduceus’ shoulder. His mouth goes dry at the prospect of being pinned down by him and fucked senseless.

They’ve barely crowded into the back of the cab, Caleb rapidly relaying his address to the driver, before Caleb is pushing Caduceus back into the seat and kissing him hungrily. Caduceus makes a little, muffled noise of surprise but kisses him back nevertheless, a little clumsy and uncoordinated at first but quickly matching the insistent movement of Caleb’s own lips and tongue, his hands skating up Caleb’s waist. 

It’s not enough, though, Caleb needs to touch more of him, to feel the press of another body against his own. He ignores the disapproving look the driver is giving them in the rearview mirror—he’ll tip well—and crawls into Caduceus’ lap, groaning raggedly when Caduceus takes hold of his hips and pulls him close so their groins are flush together. He rolls his hips down roughly, swearing at the friction against his half-hard cock and tipping his head back, fingers tangling in Caduceus’ hair when he begins kissing eagerly along his jaw.

“I can’t wait for you to fuck me,” Caleb breathes, reaching between their bodies to palm at Caduceus’ erection. “ _Fuck,_ you’re big.”

Caleb expects some quip about whether or not he can handle him, but Caduceus simply whines and pushes up into his hand, eyes falling shut and fingers digging into his hips. Caleb palms him through his jeans again and Caduceus shivers and drops his forehead to Caleb’s shoulder.

“You like that?” Caleb whispers directly into his ear, grinning when Caduceus nods. He kneads the heel of his hand down along the line of his cock and Caduceus bucks his hips up, grinding against him and pulling a groan from him as pleasure curls out from the point of contact.

“Alright, break it up back there,” the driver says gruffly as the car jolts to a stop, nearly sending Caleb toppling backwards, Caduceus quick to catch him around the middle.

“Fucking horny kids,” he mutters under his breath when Caleb shoves money into his hand, tipping him generously, before stumbling out onto the sidewalk in front of his apartment building. Caduceus climbs out next to him and Caleb doesn’t hesitate to yank him towards the entrance.

He ignores the woman behind the front desk of the lobby, making straight for the elevator and impatiently jabbing the UP button. He pulls Caduceus inside as soon as the doors open, pushing the number 5 and shoving him against the wall as soon as the doors have slid shut again to kiss him, hands fisted in the front of his shirt to tug him down to his level. It’s sloppy and rushed but god it’s good. Molly was right, he needs to fuck someone besides him, someone new and unexplored—someone who’s not going to chatter on about his latest yoga class or tarot card reading while Caleb fucks him. 

He needs to feel that rush of uncertainty and excitement. He’s never done this, never gone home with a stranger like this, and it’s exhilarating, forgetting his inhibitions even if just for a night. He’s starting to understand why Molly does it so often, it’s addictive.

They stumble down the hall to the door of Caleb’s apartment when the elevator opens with a ding, Caleb fumbling with his keys with a frustrated sigh, finally twisting the door open and pulling Caduceus into the darkened entry of his tiny apartment. He all but throws his keys on the table by the door before shucking his coat, discarding it on the floor somewhere nearby.

“Come on,” he mutters, hooking his finger in the collar of Caduceus’ t-shirt and walking a little unsteadily backwards to lead him towards the bedroom. He hears Frumpkin meow from the kitchen and hurries to get into the room and kick the door shut behind him. He’ll give him extra breakfast in the morning as an apology for kicking him out of the room tonight. 

Caduceus looks vaguely overwhelmed by the rapid turn of events, glancing around Caleb’s darkened bedroom like he’s not sure what else to do as Caleb toes off his shoes. 

“I’ve never done this before,” he breathes, looking faintly anxious as he allows Caleb to undo his belt and yank it free from his pants in one swift movement.

Caleb laughs, relieved by the confession. “Me neither,” he admits. He’s never been so bold as to find a random stranger to bring to bed with him, much less his _own_ bed. He barely lets people he knows into his apartment.

Caduceus looks both surprised and calmed by this.

“Really?” he says, pausing in the act of unbuttoning Caleb’s shirt with clumsy fingers when he seems to catch up with what Caleb’s doing.

“Yeah,” Caleb replies, not sure if he should feel insulted by the assumption that this is his usual way of finding sex or not. 

“Huh,” Caduceus says. He smiles, looking relieved. “Well, that makes me a lot less nervous about all this then.”

Caleb laughs, undoing the last button on his shirt before shrugging out of it entirely. He slides his hands up Caduceus’ chest and crowds into his space.

“No need to be nervous,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms around Caduceus’ shoulders and tugging him down to his level so he can look him in the eye. “We are just having fun, _ja_?”

Caduceus swallows and nods vigorously. 

“Yeah,” he breathes, “Fun.” 

Caleb kisses him greedily, groaning into it as he grinds against Caduceus’s thigh. He repeats the motion, savoring the friction on his cock. He shapes his hand over Caduceus’ erection and squeezes along the base before undoing the button and zipper on his jeans and shoving them down his legs. Caduceus nearly trips himself trying to step the rest of the way out of them, long, gangly limbs uncoordinated in the dark, and Caleb snorts inelegantly as he watches. He feels loose and dopey from the alcohol, though it’s mostly left his system at this point, and the rush of what he’s about to do.

Caduceus goes from looking embarrassed to narrowing his eyes with an intent sort of amusement as he takes a step towards Caleb, who smirks and tilts his head back challengingly. Caduceus steps into his space, towering over him, and Caleb feels that same rush of anticipation.

Caduceus leans down and Caleb, expecting him to kiss him, gasps when he hooks his hands behind the backs of his thighs and lifts him up with surprising strength for someone as wiry as he is. Caleb wraps his legs automatically around him, groaning when Caduceus does finally kiss him, hands broad and firm on his thighs. Caleb rocks his hips forward, cock digging into Caduceus’ stomach, and wraps his arms around his shoulders.

“Are you going to fuck me now?” he murmurs against Caduceus’ lips.

“Yeah,” Caduceus replies simply. “I am.”

He takes two steps forward and tips Caleb back onto the bed with a _whump,_ tugging Caleb’s jeans and boxers off his legs and tossing them aside before pulling his t-shirt over his head and dropping his underwear to the floor. Caleb rakes his eyes over him, swearing under his breath at the size of him.

“ _Verdammt_ ,” he breathes, laughing incredulously, “I hope you brought your own condoms, because the ones I have are not going to fit you.”

“Oh, yeah, hang on,” Caduceus says, groping for his jeans in the dark and rifling through his wallet to pull out a little foil packet. “I actually just bought them.”

“Okay,” Caleb says, confused as to why this is pertinent, though maybe he’s just being impatient.

He scoots back towards the pillows when Caduceus climbs onto the bed and braces his arms on either side of Caleb’s head, settling between Caleb’s legs on his knees and looking down at him, bottom lip tucked between his teeth and hair falling down in a long, tousled wave.

“What do you want?” he says. His voice is low and hoarse and Caleb wants to hear that voice whisper all the filthy things he wants to do to him into his ear while he fucks him.

“I want you to fuck me,” Caleb replies, laughing. “I thought that was fairly obvious.”

Caduceus grins, lowering his hips to press them flush with Caleb’s, sighing and groaning quietly when his cock rubs against Caleb’s.

“Fuck, yes,” Caleb breathes, reaching down to grip Caduceus’ ass and hold him close to rock their hips together with long, fluid movements. He thinks he could probably get off just like this with how wound up he feels. His cock is already leaking, smearing pre-come over his skin where it’s trapped against his hip.

“Mm, ‘s’nice,” Caduceus murmurs, dropping his head to Caleb’s collarbone, breath hot on his sweaty skin.

“Hang on,” Caleb says reluctantly, twisting his upper body out from under him so he can reach for his nightstand, blindly grabbing in the drawer until he finds the half-empty bottle of lube pushed to the back. He shoves the bottle into Caduceus’ hand, spreading his legs wider and canting his hips up to give him better access.

“Oh, right,” Caduceus mumbles, taking the bottle and setting the condom on the bed so he can pour lube on his fingers, rubbing them together for a few seconds before reaching between Caleb legs and circling his fingertips over his hole teasingly. He pushes his index finger into him and Caleb feels his thighs tremble with how good it feels. His finger is long and thick inside him, moving with slow, deliberate thrusts.

“God, you look good, Caleb,” he whispers. “You look incredible.”

Caleb merely whines in response and bears down on his finger needily. 

He works Caleb open with practiced movements, seems to know just when to add another finger or where to crook them inside of him to make him squirm and shudder, taking him just to the edge of too much before easing him back to start building him up again. He moves down the bed after a few minutes to take Caleb’s cock in his mouth while he fingers him, as skillful with his tongue as he is with his hands.

Caleb can feel him watching him, gauging his reaction, and he would be embarrassed by how much he’s clearly enjoying it if Caduceus wasn’t so fucking good at knowing how to make him feel good. He seems to have a direct link to his brain, somehow knowing exactly where and how to touch him without Caleb ever needing to say a single word, like he’s wired himself into his nerves. Caleb thinks he would feel bad about getting off twice before Caduceus finally does if he didn’t seem so determined to make Caleb come, murmuring encouragement in his ear the whole time, telling him how good he looks and feels and sounds, leaving Caleb a mess of arousal clinging to his shoulders so hard when he finally sinks into him—he feels so _full_ with him inside him he can’t think straight—that he’s pretty sure he’s left scratches there that’ll be there for days.

It’s that kind of toe-curling, eyes rolling back, moan so loud he’s afraid he’s going to wake the neighbors sort of sex that he can’t remember the last time he’s experienced, isn’t sure he’s ever actually experienced that intensely before. It leaves him trembling and gasping for breath, dazed and blissed out even when Caduceus has discarded the condom and wiped the come from his stomach and moved to trailing wet, luxurious kisses down his neck and chest.

“Do you need to leave?” Caleb murmurs, his words slurred on his lips.

“Mm, no,” Caduceus hums against his throat. He lifts his head, peering down at Caleb, eyes hooded. “I want to get you off again,” he declares.

He presses a swift kiss to Caleb’s mouth before sinking down the bed to settle between his legs and take his softening cock in his mouth for the second time that night, groaning around him as Caleb’s hands fly to his hair and he shudders and whimpers helplessly, his cock aching as it tries to get hard again so quickly. It does, though, Caduceus seems determined to make sure of that. And when Caleb eventually comes for the third time, he barely has the energy to lift his head from the pillow to give Caduceus a look of disbelief as he wipes his hand across his mouth, looking pleased with himself, before collapsing back into the mattress, panting and wincing at how raw his nerves feel. 

“I cannot do that again,” he whines when Caduceus crawls up the bed next to him again, propping himself up on one arm and smiling. “ _Jesus_.”

“I like the sounds you make,” Caduceus says, reaching out to brush Caleb’s hair off his temple in a weirdly tender gesture. “They’re… sexy.”

Caleb laughs weakly.

“That is good to hear, I suppose,” he says, draping his arm over his eyes as he tries to catch his breath. He knows it’s well past midnight and he’s completely exhausted, will probably sleep in tomorrow morning both to recuperate and to give Caduceus a chance to leave so they don’t have to try and have an awkward conversation about all this in the light of day.

“You can sleep here if you need,” Caleb says, rolling onto his side to face away from him and tugging the sheets over him.

“Oh, um, okay,” Caduceus says, sounding surprised by the suggestion. He’s probably right to be, Caleb should just make him leave now. But he’s tired and doesn’t feel like trying to have a conversation about it right now, so he merely tucks his arm under his head, yawning widely. He starts when Caduceus’ arm curls around his waist from behind and he aligns himself along his back, his lips brushing the crown of his head, one leg slipping between Caleb’s so their bare limbs are tangled together.

“Good night, Caleb,” he whispers, sighing contentedly as he kisses Caleb’s hair.

“Good night,” Caleb replies awkwardly, frowning. He’s half tempted to ask Caduceus what he’s doing when there’s a whole half of the bed left behind him, but his need to sleep wins out and he quickly drops off to the sound of Caduceus’ slow breathing and the feel of enveloped by him.

* * *

The bed is expectedly—thankfully—empty when Caleb wakes up the next morning, the sheets tangled and pillow sunken where Caduceus had slept next to him. He groans and scrubs his hand over his face before looking groggily at the clock on his nightstand, grimacing when he sees its only 7:30. So much for sleeping in.

He’s contemplating trying to go back at sleep again when he hears something clatter in the kitchen and freezes. He sits up, heart hammering, and strains his ears towards the sound, eyes widening when he hears soft humming through the wall. Creeping silently out of bed, he tugs on a t-shirt and boxers, grabbing his phone from where it had ended up on the floor the night before slipping through the open door into the hall.

The humming is louder now and he can hear the soft sizzle of something in a pan, stomach rumbling and mouth watering involuntarily at the smell of whatever is being cooked. There’s a quiet _schik_ and _tap_ of a knife on a cutting board followed by the clack of plates being set on countertop.

He tiptoes the rest of the way down the hall and pokes his head around the corner, feeling a combined rush of relief and dread seeing Caduceus facing away from him at the stove, turning something in a pan that sizzles merrily when he does. His hair is pulled up in a neat knot at the base of his skull and he’s still humming tunelessly as he moves about the tiny kitchen. He tips something into a small bowl and stirs it a few times with a fork before turning to where Frumpkin is perched beside the sink, watching him with wide, green eyes.

“Alright, now, here you go, as promised,” Caduceus says, chuckling as he sets the bowl in front of Frumpkin, who meows hungrily before digging in. Caduceus smiles and pets his hand over Frumpkin’s head and down his spine, the cat purring loudly and arching into the touch, though he continues eating. 

“What did you just feed my cat?” Caleb says sharply, stepping fully into the room. 

Caduceus looks up at him, looking faintly surprised, his face breaking into a wide smile as he straightens up. 

“All perfectly safe for him, don’t worry,” he assures, “Just some egg yolks and spinach and a little fish. He’s a sweetie.” He scratches Frumpkin fondly behind the ears again before turning back to the stove and scooping something out of the pan onto a waiting plate. 

“Speaking of food,” he continues brightly, glancing back at Caleb. “I hope you like French toast.”

He spoons something onto the plate before scattering across what looks like freshly cut strawberries, picking the plate up to carry across the room towards Caleb and place on the rickety table crammed to one side of the room. There’s a gently steaming cup of coffee already sitting there.

The plate itself has four thick, neatly arranged triangles of golden French toast fanned across it, topped with a hefty dollop of whipped cream, powdered sugar, and the aforementioned strawberries. Caleb stares down at the plate in stunned disbelief, trying desperately to wrap his mind around what the hell is going on.

“Hang on,” he says, mind finally managing to cling onto one of the dozen or so questions buzzing around it. “I definitely did not have strawberries. Where did you get the ingredients to make this?” 

Caduceus cocks his head curiously to the side, brow furrowing.

“The… store?” he says. He points towards the hall leading to the front door. “There’s one just at the corner.” 

“Wait,” Caleb says, closing his eyes briefly. “You _left_ and came back? You left my _door unlocked_?”

Caduceus’ ears droop guiltily and he wrings his hands around the spatula he’s holding.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I promise I wasn’t gone long. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Caleb sinks into the chair in front of the plate of food, scowling at how good it smells and how hungry he is, and buries his face in his hands.

“Sorry,” Caduceus repeats in a small voice.

“Okay, okay,” Caleb mutters, dragging his hand over his jaw. “Alright. Fine, whatever. Second question, _why_ are you still here?”

Caduceus gives him a look of polite befuddlement.

“I thought—don’t you like breakfast?” he says, sounding so innocently confused that Caleb feels some of his annoyance wane.

“Fine,” he says, sighing wearily. “Then just, answer this. Why did you lie to me last night?”

Caduceus looks genuinely bewildered at this, his frown deepening.

“What do you mean?” he says, setting the spatula on the counter and flicking off the stove. “I didn’t lie to you.”

“You said you’d never done this before,” Caleb says, gesturing vaguely around the room.

“I… I haven’t,” Caduceus replies, looking more and more confused by the second.

Caleb clucks his tongue doubtfully. “You seem much too comfortable with all this for someone who hasn’t,” he says, “I mean, granted, the last time I slept with someone I didn’t really know was a long time ago but, I still don’t—“

“Wait,” Caduceus says, cutting him off, “I thought you said you hadn’t done this before either?”

“I haven’t!” Caleb replies. “That’s what I’m saying!”

Comprehension seems to dawn on Caduceus’ face and Caleb watches his ears slowly sink as an fretful look comes over his features.

“Oh,” he says quietly. “Oh, so you meant…” He swallows and glances up at Caleb, looking abashed. “When I said I hadn’t done this before, I meant I hadn’t done… any of it… before…. At all.”

There’s a ringing silence that follows his words, Caleb feeling his stomach drop into his shoes as what he’s saying sinks in.

“You hadn’t—you mean to tell me—you’re serious?” he finally manages to force out. Caduceus nods, looking embarrassed, and Caleb laughs weakly.

“Was it that bad?” Caduceus says, eyes wide and anxious.

Caleb laughs again, almost hysterical at the ridiculousness of it all, and shakes his head.

“No, it wasn’t bad,” he mutters, deciding to leave out that it had been, in fact, the best sex of his life. Maybe he’s just been having really bad sex all this time. No, Molly wouldn’t hear that against him if he said it. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t enjoy that sex, but it certainly never left him feeling the way he’d felt last night, wonderfully blissed out and relaxed to the point he thought he could have melted into the sheets.

“Oh, good,” Caduceus says, sounding relieved. “It seemed like you enjoyed it.”

Caleb flushes hot and scowls at this.

“I am sorry,” he says after taking a few seconds to gather his thoughts again. “I did not realize the circumstances and I am sorry for taking that from you.”

“Why? I wanted you to.” he smiles shyly. “I had fun.”

Caleb’s stomach swoops at the smile but he ignores it.

“You know,” Caduceus continues, “when I said I was at the bar with my coworkers, they’ve actually been trying to find me someone for awhile. One of them is my roommate and last night she told me if I didn’t go home with someone else I wasn’t allowed to come home at all.” Caleb gives him a mortified look at this and he chuckles. “Even if it wasn’t actually your first time, it really did help my nerves thinking it was. And if we both enjoyed it then I’d say it was a success.”

He gives Caleb a wide, sunny smile and Caleb feels a sudden rush of guilt at how he’s treated him since he woke up. Granted, he’s still rightfully annoyed about being left alone in an unlocked apartment, but Caduceus seems so damn genuine in it all that it’s hard for Caleb _not_ to feel bad about being a bit of an ass to him.

“That’s going to get cold if you don’t eat it, by the way,” Caduceus adds, nodding to the plate in front of Caleb. He picks up a bottle of maple syrup from the counter and moves to drizzle it over the plate before settle it in front of Caleb with another smile. He turns away again, humming as he goes about gathering up the dirty dishes and moving them to the sink, which Caleb notices is empty of the stack of dirty dishes that had been there the night before. He shakes his head incredulously before picking up the fork and cutting off the corner of one of the pieces of French toast and lifting it to sniff warily, half-glancing at Caduceus. It still smells as good as when he’d walked in. He dunks it into the melting glob of whipped cream and pops it into his mouth.

“Fuck, that’s good,” he mutters, cutting a larger bite and shoveling it eagerly into his mouth. It’s a definite improvement on his usual breakfast of black coffee. He can’t remember the last time he’d had a meal prepared by someone else that didn’t come from a take-out container.

His phone buzzes on the table and he glances at Caduceus before subtly checking it. There’s a message from Molly on the screen and he licks syrup from his fingers before swiping it open curiously. There’s a picture attached of the bottom half of Molly’s face, tongue poking out of the corner of his upturned mouth, a bare stretch of green skin visible in the background.

 **_Molly:_ ** _told you he wasn’t straight ;)_

Caleb snorts. 

 **_Molly:_ ** _how was yours??_

Caleb looks to where Caduceus is scrubbing a bowl in the sink, Frumpkin rubbing his face against his forearm and purring furiously. Caleb discreetly snaps a picture of the half-empty plate and sends it to Molly.

 **_Caleb:_ ** _he made me breakfast_

 **_Molly_ ** _: LMAO_  

 **_Molly:_ ** _looks good though, damn_

 **_Molly:_ ** _how was the sex?_

Caleb hesitates, not sure how much of last night he wants to share with Molly knowing he’ll likely get teased relentlessly about it. He needs to talk about this bizarre experience with someone though and he figures Molly is as good a candidate as any given his already existing involvement in Caleb’s sex life.

 **_Caleb:_ ** _it was good_  

 **_Molly:_ ** _just good?_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _I came three times_

 **_Molly:_ ** _holy shit, Caleb_  

 **_Caleb:_ ** _that’s not even the weirdest part_

 **_Molly:_ ** _oh? What, did he have two dicks or something?_

Caleb chews at his bottom lip and glances at Caduceus before slipping out of his seat with a mumbled, “I’ll be right back,” and taking a few steps down the hall so he can call Molly, holding the phone to his ear.

“Oh my god, _did_ he have two dicks?” Molly says by way of a greeting.

“No,” Caleb says, lowering his voice to ensure Caduceus doesn’t hear him. “Molly, he was a _virgin._ ”

There’s a few seconds of silence followed by loud, cackling laughter on the other end of the phone. Caleb sighs, already regretting telling him as Molly continues laughing so hard Caleb is afraid he might hurt something. It would serve him right.

 “Oh my _god_ ,” Molly manages to choke out eventually, sounding like he might actually be crying. “No wonder he didn’t know to leave instead of playing house. He probably thinks you’re married now.” 

“Don’t,” Caleb says guiltily, “he’s actually sweet.”

“Mm, yeah, I’d say that too if someone got me off three times,” Molly says with a clear smirk. He releases a frustrated sound. “Better than my night went, at least.”

“That bad?” Caleb grimaces sympathetically.

“Oh, the sex was fine,” Molly says airily, “but he kept wanting to _talk about it_ after like ‘oh, god, I’ve never done this before, am I gay, what do I do,’ and so on. I’m not your therapist, darling, I’m not here to talk you through your sexuality crisis, I just want you to fuck me.” 

“You are so very kind,” Caleb says sarcastically. “I mean it was kind of your fault.”

Molly makes a quiet _tsk_ sound with his tongue.

“Look, I told him that, as evidenced by yours truly, pansexuality exists and that he can still like girls. I wasn’t going to stick around in case he started crying or something, god forbid.”

Caleb snorts softly.

“Is he still there?” Molly says curiously after a moment’s silence.

“Mm, _ja_ , I’m not sure how to make him leave,” Caleb mutters, peering back around the corner at Caduceus and squinting at him.

“‘ _Make him leave_ ’,” Molly echoes disbelievingly, “darling, you should be tying him to the bed for the sex alone by the sound of it.”

 “Molly, you know I’m not interested in a relationship,” Caleb says, frowning as he retreats to the hall again.

“Who said anything about a relationship?” Molly laughs. “You and I fuck and while I love you dearly, Caleb, I’m not about to touch that dumpster full of baggage you insist on carrying around in any way that’s not strictly platonic. Just ask if he’s interested in something casual, what could it hurt?”

Caleb sighs and rubs his hand absently over the back of his neck.

“I don’t know,” he says indecisively. “I will think about it.”

“Alright, darling, you do that,” Molly says jovially. “I’m meeting Beau for a breakfast but you can regale me with all the sordid details of last night later. God, she’s going to lose her mind when I tell her.”

Caleb groans unenthusiastically at the idea of Beau finding out about the whole thing but he doesn’t argue, knows she’ll find out sooner or later regardless. 

“Now run along back to your little homemaker,” Molly says, chuckling. “Maybe you can get a quickie to go with that breakfast at the very least.” 

“Goodbye, Molly,” Caleb deadpans.

“Have fun,” Molly sings before ending the call.

Caleb combs his fingers distractedly through his hair as he goes back out to the kitchen, Caduceus looking up from drying a bowl as he enters and smiling. Frumpkin is curled around his shoulders dozing contentedly.

“Everything okay?” he says cheerfully.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, just…” he trails off without finishing the thought, sinking back into his seat and taking a long gulp of coffee. He sets the mug back down and returns to eating, chewing slowly as he watches Caduceus put away the cleaned dishes, smiling benignly as he does.

“You don’t have to do that, you know,” Caleb says around a mouthful of French toast. He swallows and nods to the dishes when Caduceus gives him a curious look. “I mean, you did not have to do any of this.” He gestures to the nearly empty plate. “It is delicious though, I will say that.”

Caduceus smiles broadly.

“It’s no trouble,” he says, “I like taking care of people.” His expression turns apologetic. “I am sorry, though, if I made this all awkward. I guess I’m not really familiar with the etiquette for this sort of thing.”

Caleb sighs and swipes the last bite across the plate before popping it into his mouth, shrugging.

“Neither am I,” he says with a self-deprecating smile, “like I said, I have never done this before.”

Caduceus twists the rag in his hands between his fingers with an apprehensive look.

“Would it… be against the rules to ask for your number?” he says nervously.

Something leaps in Caleb’s chest and he quashes it firmly, grimacing.

“I don’t know,” he says slowly, telling himself not to feel guilty at the way Caduceus seems to deflate, ears drooping and smile faltering. He feels guilty anyway.

“Oh, no, that’s okay,” Caduceus says, giving him a forced sort of smile that drops as soon as he turns to set the rag back on the counter.

“I am just not really looking for a relationship right now,” Caleb says hastily. “With school and everything, I would not have the time or energy for that sort of thing.”

“It’s okay,” Caduceus repeats, giving him a smile that’s more genuine, if a little sad. “I understand.”

There’s a strained silence between them and Caduceus clears his throat quietly.

“I should get going then,” he says, reaching up to lift Frumpkin off his shoulders and set him on the ground, scritching him under the chin a final time before straightening up and giving Caleb an awkward smile. “It was, uh, nice to meet you, Caleb.”

Caleb nods wordlessly in response, gaze following him as he strides out of the kitchen and into the hall. He hears the front door open and close, staring at his immaculately clean kitchen for a full five seconds before jumping to his feet with a grumbled, “dammit,” and hurrying out into the hall after him. Caduceus is nearly to the elevator when Caleb steps through the door, trying to ignore that he’s still only dressed in a t-shirt and boxers.

“Caduceus!” he calls, jogging after him when he stops and turns to look at him curiously. Caleb stops in front of him and holds out his hand expectantly. “Give me your phone.” 

Caduceus does as he’s told, looking bemused. Caleb adds his number to his contacts before passing it back to him, watching his expression go from confused to pleased and surprised.

“I meant what I said, though,” Caleb says, “I am not looking for anything serious. But if you are open to something more casual… give me a call.”

“I will,” Caduceus replies, still smiling down at Caleb’s number on the screen. He looks up, expression softening in a way that feels dangerous to Caleb. “Thanks, Caleb. I’ll see you around, then.”

He pockets his phone and continues down the hall to the elevator, raising a hand in farewell when he steps inside and the doors slide shut. Caleb blows out a hard breath through his lips, staring at the closed doors for a moment before heading back to his apartment again, hoping he didn’t just make a horrible mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, the clayleb server is to blame for this

It’s been three months since they started this… thing they have together. Three months of meeting at Caleb’s apartment every Wednesday evening at eight o’clock to have what usually turned into two or three rounds of phenomenal sex before falling asleep together in a tangle of sweaty limbs. It had been Caleb’s idea to set a predetermined time to meet each week, easier for him to know to make time rather than try and _find_ time in his hectic schedule that barely allowed for him to spend an hour or two out with his friends on the weekends. Caduceus had readily agreed, at first pleased for the chance to gain more experience exploring his new-found enjoyment of sex but, later, merely grateful for the chance to get to spend time with Caleb at all.

Because it had only take three months for Caduceus to fall and fall hard for him, despite his best efforts to maintain the agreement that Caleb had set for them when they’d first started this. Just sex, nothing more, Caleb couldn’t offer anything beyond that with the way his life was right now. And Caduceus respected that, of course he did, he has not and would not try and pressure Caleb into something he didn’t want. But he couldn’t stop himself from falling for Caleb any more than he could stop the months from rolling into each other and suddenly it was late November and he could no longer pretend he wasn’t in love with Caleb.

He would keep his mouth shut, though, hold his secret close to his chest and continue to pretend that he didn’t get butterflies in his stomach every time Caleb laughed or teased him about his tea obsession or breathed his name like a prayer when Caduceus fucked him. He could pretend that his heart rate didn’t kick up nervously every time he made his way up to Caleb’s apartment and stuck the key Caleb had given him—made after Caleb had been late getting home and Caduceus had to sit in the hall for twenty minutes waiting for him—into the lock, his palms slick with sweat at the mere thought of him.

Some days Caleb would yank him inside the door the second he was across the threshold, already half naked and pulling at Caduceus’ clothes like they were on fire, skipping any semblance of foreplay and rushing to get Caduceus inside of him. Rough, frantic sex that left them both panting and drenched with sweat. Other days they would talk beforehand, a little awkward at first but gradually turning to easy discussion of their past week and the little intricacies of their lives, normal conversation that almost made it feel like they were a normal couple. But then Caleb would tug him towards the bedroom and they’d get down to why he was really there. The sex wasn’t as rushed on these days though, felt more private, playful in a way that made something throb dully in his chest, lying awake next to Caleb afterwards talking quietly until they drifted off wrapped together under the sheets. Caduceus prefers those days.

He knows it’s probably pathetic, the way he’s been living for those stolen moments of closeness, the comfortable stretches of silence and hushed conversation that live so securely within the confines of Caleb’s cramped apartment, part of him is beginning to wonder if they exist outside of it. They must though, otherwise he wouldn’t be spending his days staring dreamily into space, thoughts full of Caleb’s smile, his eyes, the way he feels and moves beneath his fingers so intoxicatingly there are times he feels drugged just off the memory of him.

Waking up next to him the morning after and making him breakfast in what has become a weekly routine for them has such an air of domesticity to it, he can almost pretend it’s his life rather than these isolated pockets of shared time that remain solidly separated from the rest of his world. Caleb always rouses after him, emerging sleep-rumpled and sniffing the air like a bear waking from hibernation, eating like he hasn’t in days—sometimes Caduceus wonders if he has—and praising Caduceus’ cooking so much that he’s started searching out new elaborate dishes to try each week just to see the look of delight on Caleb’s face when he sets it in front of him. He imagines what it might be like doing that every evening, having a hot meal prepared for Caleb at the end of the day, curling up beside him while he studies, sharing a warm bath and a cup of tea before bed. The very thought makes him blush so dark Jester asks if he’s sick.

He hasn't told Jester—or anyone else—much about his relationship with Caleb. She knows about the first night they'd spent together, had hounded him about it for _days_ and pouted for even longer when he refused to give her any more details than confirming he’d had sex. He wants to keep his relationship with Caleb private, not because he’s ashamed of it, but because he’s afraid if he tells anyone else about it, it will somehow cement the fact that it’s _not_ a relationship. It’s just sex. He tells himself that over and over again, when Caleb kisses him and smiles against his lips, when he arches his back and call his name, when he curls his arm over his chest, head resting in the crook of his shoulder, and falls asleep. It’s just sex. He lies awake repeating it to himself like a mantra, trying not to stare at the way Caleb looks so much less worried, so much younger in his sleep without his face lined with stress.

Every week he counts down the days until the next Wednesday. He’s made a sort of routine to it, heading to the grocery store after work to pick up ingredients for breakfast the next morning before walking to Caleb’s apartment. The air is crisp and cold as he walks to the store, fat snowflakes flitting around him like flecks of glass. He’s in the middle of selecting a pepper for the shakshuka he’s planning on making the next morning when his phone pings in his pocket. He shifts his basket to the other arm and fishes his phone out to read the message, heart leaping when he sees it’s from Caleb.

 **_Caleb:_ ** _I am swamped with grading papers tonight, if you come it might be a bit until we can do anything. Is that okay or do you want to skip tonight?_

Caduceus nearly drops his basket in his haste to answer.

 **_Caduceus:_ ** _I don’t mind waiting :) I’m at the store now, need anything?_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _a stiff drink, maybe_

 **_Caduceus:_ ** _how about some tea? I’ll brew you a cup when I get there, you can drink it while you finish._

 **_Caleb:_ ** _you and your tea_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _that sounds nice_

Caduceus smiles, telling him he’ll be there soon before pocketing his phone again and moving about the store to gather the rest of the ingredients and a box of chamomile tea before checking out and heading in the direction of Caleb’s apartment.

He lets himself in when he gets there and the door is locked, hefting the bag of groceries in one arm as he slips in and shuts the door behind him. There’s a jangle of metal and Frumpkin appears at the end of the hall, trotting towards him and meowing loudly, the tags on his collar jingling merrily.

“Hey, buddy,” Caduceus mutters, squatting down to scratch the cat behind the ears, smiling when he purrs loudly and pushes into his hand. “How’s he doing?”

Frumpkin meows again and flicks his tail as he turns and pads back down the hall in the direction he’d come. Caduceus follows him to the room comprising the kitchen and living area. Caleb is sitting on the couch, a stack of papers on the coffee table in front of him, several books open around him on the cushions as he flips frantically through one of them. He looks exhausted and overwhelmed, hair rumpled from dragging his fingers through it as Caduceus has seen him do many times, dark bags under his eyes. He somehow looks even thinner than the last time Caduceus had seen him. He looks up when Caduceus enters, expression drawn and anxious. Caduceus feels a pang of sympathy and concern at the sight.

“I will be done soon,” Caleb says, voice strained, “I have just got—“ he checks the pile of papers in front of him and swears under his breath, the sound close to a sob, “—seven more.”

“Don’t rush on my account,” Caduceus says cheerfully, setting the groceries on the counter as Caleb gives him a brief, grateful look before turning back to his work. He unpacks the bag into the refrigerator, grimacing at how barren it is, glancing at Caleb every time he makes a frustrated noise and mutters something under his breath, brow furrowed.

Frumpkin winds his way through his ankles as he sets about making a cup of tea for both of them, carrying them carefully out to the living room and setting one on the table in front of Caleb, who shifts some of the books aside to make space for him without looking up. Caduceus settles on the couch next to him, dropping a kiss to the top of his head and biting back a pleased smile when Caleb closes his eyes briefly and leans into the touch.

“I’m sorry,” Caleb mumbles distractedly, scrawling something on one of the papers with a red pen before adding it to the completed stack balanced precariously on the arm of the couch. “I was not supposed to have to do these until tomorrow but he asked me to do them tonight a few hours ago. I have been working on them since five.”

“It’s okay,” Caduceus says gently, setting his own tea down so he can lay his hands on Caleb’s shoulders, kneading his thumbs into the tense muscles and smiling when Caleb groans quietly, eyes sliding shut.

“Mm, that’s good,” he murmurs, shoulders slumping and head tilting down as Caduceus continues rubbing his shoulders.

“Just keep working,” Caduceus says, kissing the nape of his neck lightly. “Pretend I’m not here.”

Caleb hums, picking up another paper from the stack and beginning to read it through as Caduceus digs his thumbs into his back, making his way slowly down his spine to work out the knots in his muscles. He can feel Caleb gradually relax against him, sagging in his seat as he continues marking the papers, stifling a yawn or rubbing tiredly at his eyes every now and then, occasionally pausing to take a sip of tea.

It feels private, intimate, and Caduceus can’t stop the giddy feeling that grows in his chest when Caleb leans back into his hold when he finishes marking the last paper almost an hour later. He exhales a long, weary breath, eyes closed and head resting on Caduceus’ shoulder.

“Alright,” he mumbles sleepily, blinking his eyes open, though they still droop heavily. “Let’s go.”

He makes to stand but Caduceus tugs him back down, turning him around and arranging his limbs so Caleb is straddling his lap, looking faintly confused but more exhausted than anything.

“No, I don’t think so,” Caduceus chuckles, settling his hands on Caleb’s thighs and rubbing absent circles into them with his thumbs. “Not tonight. You need some rest.”

“Mm, no, I’m good,” Caleb murmurs even as his eyes drift closed. He rolls his hips lazily, making a soft, satisfied noise at the friction.

“You’re about to fall asleep,” Caduceus says, reaching up to push his hair back off his face, letting his hand linger on his cheek when Caleb tilts his head into the touch.

“‘M’fine,” Caleb mumbles, yawning hugely.

“Stop it,” Caduceus says softly. “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to do anything right now.”

“That is why you are here, though,” Caleb says, voice slurred groggily.

“No, it’s not,” Caduceus says, quietly enough that he doesn’t think Caleb catches it, his eyes still closed.

Caduceus sighs. There’s a hard ache in his chest, cold and empty, and he runs one hand up Caleb’s back, pulling him down gently so he’s sprawled on top of him. He gives easily, letting his head rest on Caduceus’ collarbone, arms flopped limply at his sides. Frumpkin leaps lightly onto the couch and wriggles his way into the spot between the back of the couch and Caleb’s head, curling into a ball.

“‘M’sorry,” Caleb murmurs. “I’m just so tired.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Caduceus replies, rubbing one hand up and down his back while the other combs slowly through his hair. “You get some sleep and tomorrow I’ll make you a nice big breakfast, yeah?”

Caleb hums, smiling at the prospect. “What are you making?”

“Shakshuka,” Caduceus responds. “It’s got poached eggs and tomatoes. You’ll like it.”

Caleb groans quietly, smacking his lips. “You are too good to me, _Schatz_ ,” he mumbles, yawning. “I’d never eat if it wasn’t for you.”

Caduceus’ heart leaps at the word. He doesn’t know what it means, but there’s something in the fond way Caleb says it that makes him think it must be some sort of term of endearment. He repeats it in his head a few times to remember to look it up later.

“Anything you want,” Caduceus whispers. “You know that, right?”

But Caleb doesn’t answer, Caduceus craning his head back to see that he’s fast asleep, jaw slack and cheek pressed to Caduceus’ shoulder. Caduceus kisses his temple, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him against his chest.

“I love you,” he breathes shakily, swallowing painfully when his voice cracks.

He allows himself a few minutes of laying like this before carefully slipping out from under Caleb and scooping him up to carry him back to the bedroom, Frumpkin trailing after them. He lays Caleb down gently on the bed, slipping off his socks and jeans before tucking him under the sheet and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Stripping down to his own t-shirt and underwear, he crawls in next to him, feeling that ache in his chest again when Caleb reaches for him in his sleep, clinging to his side and mumbling something drowsily before dropping off again. Caduceus lies awake for a long time before he manages to join him.

He wakes up with heat throbbing through his blood, a groan escaping his lips at the feeling of wet warmth around his cock. He blinks his eyes open dazedly and looks down, a rush of arousal flooding through him at the sight of Caleb between his legs, sucking lazily at the head of his cock.

“Good morning,” he says, grinning at the look of shock on Caduceus’ face. He slides his tongue along the underside of his cock before pressing a kiss to the tip. “Making up for last night.”

“ _Ah_ , you don’t have to do that,” Caduceus says, voice rough with sleep and arousal.

“But I _want_ to,” Caleb responds, wrapping his lips around him again and sucking hard, humming when Caduceus groans and pushes his hips up, hands finding Caleb’s hair and combing through it.

“C’mere,” Caduceus murmurs, tugging him up by the shoulder and rolling him onto the bed so he’s on top of him, pressing him down into the mattress and kissing him fiercely.

“I missed your cock,” Caleb breathes when Caduceus settles between his legs and ruts down against him, latching onto the side of his neck and mouthing at the sensitive skin. “I missed the way you feel inside me. Fuck me, Caduceus, _fuck_ , I want you inside of me.”

Caduceus whines and fumbles in the bedside table for a condom and lube, rolling it onto himself and working Caleb open with shaking fingers before sinking into him in one smooth thrust.

“ _Yes_ ,” Caleb whispers, shuddering and curving up towards him. “So good, Caduceus, _mm, fuck_ , you feel good.”

 _I love you_.

“ _Harder_.”

 _I love you_.

“ _Mm_ , I’m gonna come.”

_I love you so much._

“ _Fuck, Caduceus."_

Caleb wraps his legs around him when comes and Caduceus kisses him to swallow the low moan he releases. He continues fucking into him, deep, deliberate thrusts, until he comes soon after, dropping his forehead to Caleb’s shoulder and panting heavily against his skin.

“Mm, we should have morning sex more often,” Caleb mumbles, grinning as Caduceus slips out of him. He makes to crawl out from under him and Caduceus stops him with a hand on his arm, catching his lips in a slow kiss, shaping one hand along his jaw as he does. Caleb gives him a quizzical look when he pulls away after a few seconds, something indecipherable behind his eyes that Caduceus is terrified to explore.

“I’ll go make breakfast,” he mutters, standing to discard the condom and tug on his clothes. He can feel Caleb watching him as he leaves, though he’s relieved when he hears the shower running after a minute. He lets himself be calmed by the methodical process of making breakfast, Frumpkin curling between his legs and meowing until he finally scoops him up and lets him sit on his shoulder while he cooks.

Caleb appears fully dressed as he’s digging plates from the cupboard, looking unfairly attractive in a dark blue sweater and grey slacks, lifting the lid on the pan to sniff curiously at the contents. Caduceus hears his stomach rumble loudly and clucks his tongue in disapproval.

“You need to start eating more,” he says as he dishes out a plate for Caleb and sprinkles cilantro over it. “You’re going to wither away to nothing.”

“Are you going to start packing me lunches, then?” Caleb says, chuckling as he accepts the plate and begins digging in hungrily as soon as he’s seated.

“If you don’t start eating, I might,” Caduceus replies, pursing his lips and pointing the spoon he’s holding at him warningly.

“If I ate your cooking every day, I would be twice this size,” Caleb says, patting his lean stomach.

“You would still probably weigh less than me.”

Caleb laughs, shaking his head and still grinning faintly as he continues eating, making a pleased noise and closing his eyes as if to savor the taste.

“Good?” Caduceus says as he settles in the chair opposite him with his own plate.

“You know it is good,” Caleb replies, tearing a piece of bread in half to swipe through the sauce on the plate.

Caduceus smiles proudly. “The semester is ending week after next. Anything special you’re in the mood for?”

Caleb pauses, chewing thoughtfully, and shrugs.

“Surprise me,” he says, smiling. “If you make it, I know it will be delicious.” He spoons another bite into his mouth, swallowing quickly and making a noise like he’s just remembered something.

“Shit, I forgot to tell you,” he says, hastily wiping his mouth on the napkin Caduceus has folded neatly next to his plate. “I am not going to be here next week, I am going out of town for Thanksgiving. I will be back the week after though then after that we can properly celebrate the end of the semester.” He grins and Caduceus forces a smile in return even as his stomach sinks at the prospect of being away from him for two whole weeks. Of course Caleb doesn’t seem nearly as affected by it, returning to eating like it’s nothing. Which, it should be.

 _It’s just sex_ . _It’s just sex. It’s just sex._

He leaves not long after, hurrying home as he does every Thursday morning to get changed and rush to work, ignoring Jester’s scowl as he always does these mornings. She’s given up asking him about what he does Wednesday nights, but he’s still on the end of her dirty looks for the majority of the day. He tries not to mope over the next week, though he can’t help feeling sullen as he goes throughout his days knowing he won’t see Caleb for two full weeks.

He’s in the process of trying to distract himself with writing up activities for the daycare for the upcoming holidays the day after Thanksgiving when his phone rings. He goes to check it with disinterest, sure it’s his mother or sister again wondering why he didn’t come home for the holiday weekend. His heart leaps excitedly when he sees it’s Caleb calling him. Caleb has never called him, has only ever texted him on the rare occasion that he’s going to be late getting back or that they’re out of condoms and could Caduceus pick some up on his way?

“Hello?” he says, wincing at how eager he sounds.

“ _Hallo_ , Caduceus,” Caleb says. His voice is warm and lulling, affection spreading through Caduceus’ chest at the sound.

“Is everything okay?” Caduceus says. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up about Caleb calling him. Maybe something is wrong. Maybe he needs Caduceus to check on his apartment for him.

“ _J_ _a_ , everything is fine,” Caleb says.

Caduceus hears something rustling on the other end of the phone as Caleb seems to shift his position.

“I miss you,” Caleb murmurs, something soft and blurred to the way he says it that makes Caduceus’ heart skip.

“Really?” he says hopefully.

“Mm,” Caleb hums, “been thinking about you all day.”

“You have?” Caduceus says, hearing his voice waver as happiness wells so rapidly inside him he feels dizzy.

“The things you make me feel, Caduceus,” Caleb sighs.

Caduceus thinks he might cry, releasing a shaky, disbelieving laugh and gripping the phone so hard his fingers hurt.

“Me, too, Caleb, I’ve been wanting to—“

Caleb released a long, shuddering groan through the phone and Caduceus freezes.

“Oh,” he says quietly as he realizes what Caleb is doing, his stomach sinking so rapidly he feels nauseous. “Oh, you’re… oh.”

“Don’t sound so scandalized,” Caleb says with a chuckle. His words are slurred in a way that Caduceus thinks he must be drunk, too. “Mm, tell me what you’d do to me if you were here. I miss your hands on me.”

Caduceus presses his lips together hard, closing his eyes and taking a sharp breath through his nose to try and will away the sour taste in his mouth.

“Kiss you,” he says at last.

Caleb laughs indulgently. “What else?”

Caduceus doesn’t want to do this. He wants to hang up the phone and try to stave off the tears threatening to spill down his face. Why does he keep doing this to himself? He closes his eyes and tries to think of what he _would_ do if Caleb was here. Kissing him would definitely be at the top of the list.

“Touch you,” he says, wetting his lips when Caleb hums quietly. “Push you down on the bed and undress you. Slowly.” Caleb groans. He can hear the slick sound of him touching himself in the background and it makes him feel slightly bolder. “Take you in my mouth while I finger you. Like the first time.”

“Would you fuck me then?” Caleb whispers, voice catching.

“No,” Caduceus says, sharper than he means to. “No, I wouldn’t. I would keep using my fingers on you. I’d get you close and then stop, then I’d do it again. I’d keep working you up until you couldn’t take it anymore. I’d make you _beg me_ to fuck you.”

“I would,” Caleb breathes, “I would beg you to fuck me, _fuck_ , Caduceus, I wish you were here.”

“I’d make you beg to come,” Caduceus continues, feeling himself getting hard and reaching down to palm himself roughly through his sweatpants. “I’d keep getting you close until you begged me to come. And then I’d fuck you.”

“ _Yes_.”

“I’d fuck you until you came and then I’d make you come again.” He licks his hand and shoves it into his underwear, pumping his cock with sharp, quick strokes, focusing on the sound of Caleb’s rapid breath and quiet whines, closing his eyes and trying to imagine him under him.

“Fuck, Caduceus, let me come,” Caleb gasps. “Let me come.”

“Do it,” Caduceus says harshly, biting back a groan when Caleb swears softly and breathes hard into the receiver.

Caduceus jerks his fist roughly a few more times, grunting as he comes across his fingers. He wipes his hand on his sweatpants, feeling vaguely nauseated by what he just did.

“Mm, fuck,” Caleb murmurs, laughing softly. “You should talk like that in bed sometime. You have such a nice voice.”

“I have to go,” Caduceus says flatly.

“Oh,” Caleb replies. Caduceus tells himself he’s imagining the edge of disappointment in his voice, manufacturing it in his brain. “Alright, sure, I will see you Wednesday then?”

“Yeah,” Caduceus responds, ending the call before Caleb finishes saying goodbye and tossing his phone across the couch, burying his face in his hands to stifle a sob.

He doesn’t talk to Caleb again the rest of the weekend or start of the week until their usual meeting time on Wednesdays. Caduceus wonders if he even remembers the call with how drunk he’d sounded on the phone. He almost wishes _he_ could forget it, too. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth so strongly he’s not sure how he’s supposed to act like nothing's wrong and have sex like Caleb’s expecting.

He’s still stewing on it when he arrives at Caleb’s apartment Wednesday evening, letting himself in with his key and slipping off his shoes inside the door. He pauses when he hears a soft, breathy sound coming from the living room. For a moment, he panics, thinking Caleb has already started and will expect him to join. But he realizes quickly that the sound he’s hearing is crying and he hurries down the hall, setting the bag of groceries he’s holding aside and ignoring Frumpkin when he tries to loop through his ankles, meowing loudly.

Caleb is on the couch, head in his hands, surrounded by at least half a dozen books, a stack of papers on the coffee table. His shoulders shake slightly and Caduceus can hear the stutter of his breath as he cries almost silently.

“What’s wrong?” Caduceus says, moving to sit beside him and wrapping his arm around his shoulders, every apprehension about the night flying out of the window when Caleb looks up at him, face streaked with tears, eyes bloodshot and lined so heavily with dark bags that Caduceus wonders how many days it’s been since he’s slept. His bottom lip quivers and fresh tears slide down his cheeks. He looks sick with exhaustion and stress and Caduceus feels a rush of hatred for the professor who’s constantly working him to death like this.

“Oh, Caleb,” Caduceus says, gently brushing his thumb over his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Caleb croaks, shaking his head. “I’m trying to get it all done, he gave me fifty more exams to grade this morning and I’m only done half of them, I don’t think we can do anything, I don’t know how I’m going to finish them all, I—“

“Hey, hey, shh, it’s okay,” Caduceus slips his arms around him and allows him to bury his face in his chest, muffling a sob into his sweater. Caduceus rubs one hand over his back soothingly, shushing him gently as he cries, gradually trailing off to sniffling hiccups after a few minutes.

“Look at me,” Caduceus says when Caleb pulls back, wiping his eyes and sniffing heartily. He looks drained and defeated, eyes puffy from crying and lack of sleep. He looks up at Caduceus obediently though.

“What kind of exams are they?” Caduceus says. “Essay? Multiple choice?” He adds when Caleb looks confused.

“It is a mix,” Caleb mumbles wearily.

“Okay,” Caduceus begins, “here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to give me the key and I’m going to check everything that’s on it. And you’re going to do the stuff that requires that big brain of yours to check that it’s right.” He taps Caleb’s forehead and Caleb lets out a huff of watery laughter.

“You do not have to do that,” he says, voice thick.

“But I _want_ to,” Caduceus replies, smiling and thumbing away the fresh tears that roll down his face.

“Thank you,” Caleb whispers, eyes glittering with more unshed tears. He grips the front of Caduceus’ shirt and kisses him, chaste but firm, full of gratitude and affection, and Caduceus has to force himself to not chase his lips when he pulls back.

Caleb instructs him on which sections of the exams to mark using the provided key, Caduceus double-checking each one as he goes, marking things with a red pen and watching Caleb work through the written portions out of the corner of his eye. It still takes them nearly two hours to finish the rest of them, Caduceus shaking out his stiff fingers when he finally finishes marking the last one and passes it to Caleb so he can calculate the final grade and scribble it at the top. He sets it on the pile of finished ones, rubbing his eyes and laughing with a combination of relief and disbelief.

He looks at Caduceus where he’s seated at the other end of the couch, Caduceus offering him a reassuring smile in response to his incredulous, grateful look. His expression fades into something more serious, intent, and before Caduceus has a chance to react, Caleb is all but tackling him back into the couch and kissing him frantically, clambering into his lap and groaning against his lips as he wraps his arms around his shoulders. Caduceus kisses him back automatically, whining at the desperation behind Caleb’s movements, like he _needs_ him. He pushes his hands up the back of Caleb’s shirt, rucking the fabric up his torso until Caleb raises his arms so he can tug it over his head.

They’ve had rushed, frenzied sex before, those times when Caleb is in a hurry to get off and Caduceus always complies. But it’s nothing like that this time. There’s no need to get off, merely a need to be _close_ , to rid themselves of the layers separating them and wrap around each other so tightly, Caduceus thinks they might simply meld together.

“Take me to bed,” Caleb breathes, resting his forehead against Caduceus’. “ _Caduceus_.”

There’s something in the way Caleb says his name, like it’s weighing down his very breath, that stirs something to life in Caduceus, and he can’t help but obey. He stands up, pulling Caleb up with him with his hands hooked under his thighs. Caleb gasps but doesn’t hesitate to wrap his legs firmly around him, kissing hungrily along his jaw as Caduceus carries him back to the bedroom and lowers him onto the bed gently.

It’s different from every time they’ve had sex before, there’s something _more_ there this time, and Caduceus can’t stop his traitorous brain from thinking that they’re not just having sex, it’s not just fucking this time, they’re making love. Caleb looks him in the eye when he sinks into him, doesn’t pull away when Caduceus can’t stop kissing him, allows Caduceus to tangle their fingers together in a gesture that feels so intimate Caduceus’ chest hurts with it.

“I love the way you sound,” he murmurs, so close to Caleb their lips brush together as he says it. “I love the way you look. I love the way you feel, Caleb, I love it.” _I love_ you.

It’s as close as he’ll allow himself to get to saying it, but there’s something behind Caleb’s eyes for the first time that makes him wonder if he knows, makes him wonder for the first time if Caleb might feel something, too. There’s no light-hearted talk after they’re finished, once Caduceus has thrown away the condom and wiped Caleb’s stomach clean and climbed back under the sheets with him. Caleb merely curls against Caduceus’ chest, facing him, smiling softly when Caduceus wraps his arms around him, and falls asleep.

He wakes up to Caleb shaking his arm gently, blinking blearily and frowning up at him when he sees he’s already fully dressed, a scarf wrapped around his neck and his bag slung over his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Caduceus mumbles, reaching for Caleb’s hand to grip loosely in his own. Caleb doesn’t pull away and something pleased and warm rouses in his chest.

“Ikithon called and said he needs the exams before class at eight,” Caleb says, patting his bag. “I wanted to let you sleep but I did not know if you would want to be here alone.”

“Mm, no, I don’t care,” Caduceus says. He yawns into the back of his hand and frowns. “What about breakfast?”

Caleb breathes out a short, fond laugh. “I will get something,” he says. He looks suddenly hesitant, opening his mouth and drawing in a breath before pressing his lips together and swallowing.

“The semester ends tomorrow officially,” he says, sitting on the edge of the bed. Caduceus is still holding his hand. “Are you busy tomorrow evening?”

Caduceus shakes his head, still feeling sluggish with sleep.

“Would you… would you want to come over?” Caleb says. “We could, ah, celebrate.”

“Mm, sure,” Caduceus mumbles, feeling his eyelids droop wearily again.

“Yeah?” Caleb says. “Alright, um, say six?”

Caduceus hums in agreement, nodding.

“Okay,” Caleb says, smiling and looking relieved. “I will see you tomorrow then.”

Caduceus gives him a wide, sleepy smile in response, making a pleased noise when Caleb squeezes his hand and presses a lingering kiss to his cheek before withdrawing and heading towards the door. Caduceus burrows back down into the blankets as the front door opens and closes softly, wrapping himself up like a cocoon and smiling contentedly at the warmth. He lays there for a full thirty seconds before his eyes fly open and he sits bolt upright, his lethargic brain finally catching up with what just happened, heart hammering wildly.  

He scrambles to his feet, nearly tripping in his haste to tug on his boxers and t-shirt as he stumbles down the hall to the door. He bursts into the hallway, turning on the spot and looking around frantically for Caleb, heart sinking when he’s already gone. He slumps back against the wall, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. He tells himself not to get his hopes up but it’s impossible not to after Caleb held his hand, kissed him unprompted, invited him over outside of their usual time.

Surely it must mean something? There had been something significant in the way Caleb had looked at him last night, the way he’d let Caduceus hold him while they slept. For the first time in three months he feels like he could see some light at the end of this miserable tunnel he’s been stuck in for so long. He suddenly doesn’t know how he’s supposed to make it through the next two days know he’s going to see Caleb again so soon.

He’s going to tell Caleb that he loves him, finally tell him just how he feels and pray he’s not wrong in thinking that Caleb might at least feel _something_ back. Even if he doesn’t love him, Caduceus is more than willing to wait. He knows Caleb will be busy when classes start again, knows it will be work having a relationship with him right now, but he’s gone three months with nothing but a few hours each week with him pretending he doesn’t feel anything for him, he’ll take whatever Caleb is willing to give him.

The day passes tortuously slow but it gives him time to figure out what he’s going to do. He’ll stop tomorrow after work to pick up ingredients to make an elaborate breakfast the next morning, maybe buy some flowers, then head to Caleb’s apartment and sit him down on the couch, take his hands in his own and confess that he’s in love with him. He feels giddy and anxious at the thought of it, jittery all day Friday and glancing impatiently at the clock every five minutes, ignoring Jester’s questioning looks.

He leaves work early so he has time to head to the store before going to Caleb’s, still wired with nervous energy as he makes his way through the aisles picking out ingredients. He’s in the produce section picking out tomatoes when he hears someone hail him and turns to see the purple tiefling who’d introduced him to Caleb striding towards him, grinning broadly. He’s dressed in a long, colorful coat and an ensemble as bright as the one he’d been wearing in the bar when they’d first met.

“It’s Caduceus, right?” the tiefling says brightly.

Caduceus nods, wracking his brain to try and remember if the tiefling had ever said his name that night at the bar.

“Molly,” the tiefling supplies with a laugh, clearly picking up on his confusion.

“Right,” Caduceus says, the name clicking into place in his brain. “Sorry.”

“No need, dear,” Molly says airily. He gives Caduceus a quick once over, eyes sweeping over him, before moving to select a tomato from one of the little wooden flats they’re standing in front of. “So, how’ve you been?”

“Erm, pretty good,” Caduceus says.

Molly chuckles. “Things going well with you and Caleb?”

Caduceus almost drops the tomato he’s holding. “What do you mean?” he says, keeping his voice carefully level even as his heart begins thumping nervously.

“Oh, darling, no need to be coy,” Molly says, grinning slyly. “I know what you two are up to.”

“Oh, you just meant, oh, yeah, it’s um, it’s fine.” He forces a smile in response to Molly’s smirk.

“Mm, yeah, seems to be,” Molly says, setting the tomato he’s holding in his basket.

“Oh?” Caduceus perks up at this. Has Caleb been talking about him to his friends? His stomach swoops at the thought.

“Yeah, I mean, Caleb is always going to be a ball of nerves, but he’s been less…” Molly squints, lips pursed in thought. “Less temperamental, I suppose, since you two started fucking. He’s always so damn _moody_ , it’s been a nice change of pace seeing him a little happier, even if he’s still fucking worked to death with school.”

Something swells in his chest at this, inflating so rapidly he feels light-headed. He makes Caleb happier, so much so his friends have noticed. He thinks he might float an inch or two off the floor.

“Plus, it’s less work for _me_ to do,” Molly continues, “I mean, not that having sex with Caleb is work, I always thought it was kind of cute getting him worked up, but that boy is hard to please sometimes. Though you don’t seem to have any trouble with that from what I’ve heard.” He winks and nudges Caduceus with his elbow.

“Wait,” Caduceus says, his mouth slowly catching up with his brain as what Molly said sinks in. “You and… Caleb? You’ve slept together?”

Molly laughs. “Oh, many times,” he says nodding. “We have fun. But, like I said, it’s nice not having to have responsibility over making sure he doesn’t spontaneously combust.”

The light, floaty feeling in his chest vanishes so rapidly he feels like he has to catch himself on his own feet. There’s a quiet, high-pitched whine in the back of his head, filling his ears and vibrating through his brain.

He shouldn’t feel like this, has no right to feel like this, Caleb had made it perfectly clear that there was nothing between them but sex from the beginning, and what right did he have to assume that he wasn’t still sleeping with other people in addition to him? They weren’t dating, they weren’t in love, they weren’t even exclusively sleeping together. They were nothing. He was nothing to Caleb but a warm body and that’s all he’d ever been and Caleb had _told him_ _that_ and he was still here daydreaming of giving him _flowers_ and making confessions of love like an idiot. He feels sick.

There’s a bright, sour taste in the back of his throat, his stomach churning dangerously. His throat feels too tight and his chest _aches_ , a hollow, breathless feeling like someone has reached behind his ribs and torn his heart out. His eyes burn and he blinks hard, ducking his head so Molly doesn’t see the tears shining there.

“I have to go,” he mutters, the whine in his ears almost deafening now.

“Oh,” Molly says, looking surprised. “Alright, well, nice to see you again, dear!”

Caduceus barely hears him, turning and heading straight for the exit, abandoning his half full basket on a shelf near the door and heading robotically out of the store. He doesn’t know where he’s going, walking blindly down the sidewalk, barely paying attention to what he’s doing, muttering apologies as he bumps into people walking the opposite direction.

He shouldn’t be surprised by this, he tells himself over and over again that this is fine, that this is what he should have expected. Maybe not this exactly, but Caleb had made sure he’d known that there would be nothing between them but sex but he’d ignored that and let himself fall in love anyway. At least he’s finding out now before he made a fool of himself telling Caleb how he felt.

He walks and walks, makes loops around the city without thinking about where he’s going, ignoring the gathering darkness and chill that settles around him. It’s almost eight o’clock when he finally makes a decision about what he needs to do. He can’t keep doing this knowing how little he means to Caleb. He’s not mad at Caleb, mad at himself more than anything for getting his own hopes up, but there’s no way he can continue sleeping with Caleb feeling the way he does about him, it’s not fair to either of them. He might as well have been lying to Caleb having these feelings for him and pretending he doesn’t. And the thought of Caleb sharing his bed with someone else, calling someone else’s name, makes his stomach hurt and he has no right to feel that way.

The door is locked when he gets to Caleb’s apartment, fingers numb from being in the cold for so long and fumbling the key in the lock. The apartment is dark when he slips inside and he wonders if Caleb might have given up and just left or gone to bed. But the bedroom is empty when he walks by it apart from Frumpkin curled up on the bed fast asleep. There’s a faint, flickering light coming from the kitchen and he frowns as he makes his way down the hall towards it.

His stomach drops as he walks into the kitchen, eyes sweeping across the room. Caleb is fast asleep at the table, head pillowed on his arms and shoulders rising and falling with his slow breaths. There’s a candle burned low in the middle of the table, the flame fluttering each time he exhales. The sink is full of dirty dishes, the bottom of one of the pans crusted with something burned black, another pot containing something curdled and congealed. Caleb must have discarded whatever he’d attempted to make, the plates on the table empty apart from a now limp salad.

“Dammit,” Caduceus mutters, dragging his hand over his face. He strides across the room and kneels down next to Caleb’s sleeping form, laying a hand on his shoulder and shaking him gently. “Caleb?”

He jolts awake, breathing hard and looking around frantically. His eyes widen when they settle on Caduceus, expression going from confused to relieved.

“Oh my god,” he says, grabbing Caduceus’ face like he’s checking to make sure he’s real. “You are okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Caduceus says, frowning.

“I have been trying to reach you for two hours!” Caleb says, sounding almost panicked, face drawn with stress, his eyes red-rimmed like he’s been crying.

“You—what?”

“Have you not checked your phone?!” Caleb cries, still holding his face in both hands and looking him over as if to check for injuries.

“Oh, um, no, I haven’t look at it in awhile,” Caduceus replies guiltily. He pulls his phone out and grimaces at the long string of messages from Caleb over the past two hours.

 **_Caleb:_ ** _are you still coming over?_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _we said six right? I did not imagine that?_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _Caduceus, I am starting to get worried_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _can you at least let me know you are safe?_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _Caduceus, please answer me so I know you are okay_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _If you do not want to come over tonight, I will not be mad, please I just want to know you’re okay_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _you are scaring me_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _I do not even know who else to check with to see if you are okay_

 **_Caleb:_ ** _I need to know you are safe_

There’s another dozen or so messages after this in addition to several phone calls and Caduceus feels a stab of guilt in his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles abashedly.

“Where have you _been_?” Caleb says, brushing Caduceus' hair off his temple. “I have been so worried.”

“Why?” Caduceus says before he can stop himself.

“What do you mean _why_?” Caleb says, brow furrowing almost angrily. “Because I care about you!”

“Do you?” Caduceus says, matching his tone as hurt and irritation flare up inside of him.

“Of course I do!” Caleb says, looking offended. “You think I would burn the shit out of myself for someone I didn’t give a fuck about?” He waves his hand towards the sink of dishes and Caduceus sees for the first time that his fingers are bandaged in several spots.

“Do you cook for all of your… fuck buddies then? Or just me?”

“What are you _talking_ about?”

“I ran into Molly,” Caduceus says, hating how hard his own voice sounds but unable to stop the blood pounding in his ears.

“Okay…? What about him?” Caleb looks confused and increasingly annoyed.

“He said you were sleeping together,” Caduceus says.

“I have not slept with Molly in _months_ ,” Caleb says, aggravation clear on his face. “Not since—why would I sleep with Molly when I am in love with _you_?”

“Well, maybe you—what?”

Caleb scoffs, shaking his head as he blows out the candle with a swift breath and pushes himself to his feet. He tries to move past Caduceus but he stops him with a hand on his thigh where he’s still kneeling.

“You’re in love with me?” Caduceus says quietly, looking up to see Caleb’s eyes pointedly avoiding his own, brow furrowed and cheeks pink.

“Yes,” he says in a clipped tone. “So if you are finished with this—” he gestures between them, “—then I would ask you to please leave.”

“ _Caleb_.” Caduceus clambers to his feet and turns Caleb to face him, cradling his face in his hands and tilting it up towards him. Caleb’s jaw is set defiantly, brow furrowed, but Caduceus can see the hurt and hesitance behind his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I'm an _idiot_ ,” Caduceus says. “I love you, too. _God_ , do you know how long I’ve loved you?”

Caleb’s expression softens with relief, his whole body seeming to sag on the spot.

“Probably far longer than I deserve,” he says, suddenly sounding uneasy. “I didn’t realize… I didn’t know until the other day. It just sort of… hit me.” He smiles sadly. “I wanted to… I want to try, Caduceus, but I don’t know how much I can give you. You already give so much more than I do and I am afraid I will fuck this up.”

“I know you’re busy, Caleb,” Caduceus says gently. “I’m not going to make you feel like you have to spend every moment with me. I want to _help you_ , not make it harder for you. I know it’ll be hard and that we’ll have to work to make it work but I _don’t care_ , Caleb. I don’t care how hard it is, I’ll put in the work for you.”

Caleb smiles, wide and adoring, and Caduceus can’t stop himself from kissing him. It’s somehow familiar as breathing but completely different, know now that Caleb returns his feelings. He wants to spend hours relearning everything about Caleb with this new perspective, can’t wait to explore him inside and out being able to tell him how he feels.

“I love you,” Caduceus breathes, smiling giddily at being able to say it out loud at last.

Caleb mirrors his smile, closing his eyes and leaning into his touch. “I love you, too,” he says. He grimaces. “Do not eat any of what I cooked. I don’t even think the salad is safe.”

Caduceus laughs, the sound feeling bright and joyful on his lips, and Caleb chuckles quietly.

“Why don’t I take you on a proper date?” Caduceus says, unable to stop himself from smiling. “We have a lot to celebrate.”


End file.
